One of the most challenging moments on the journey of parenthood is undoubtedly the endless tunnels of stubbornness we enter with our child. A child who resists when it's time to go home from the park, who pushes the spoon away to avoid eating, or who throws themselves on the floor to not wear those shoes... These scenes often test our patience and invite us into a power struggle. So, are these moments truly a battle of wills, or is there a much deeper message being conveyed on the unseen side of the iceberg? If we see these stubborn moments not as a war but as an attempt at communication, a call of need, the entire dynamic can change.

Children, especially in the preschool years, do not yet fully possess the ability to express their feelings and needs with words like adults. For them, saying "no" is often the simplest way of saying, "I want to feel in control right now," "I'm tired and I need to rest," "I want you to see and hear me," or "This situation makes me feel insecure." When we, as parents, can hear the real need behind this "no," we begin to build a bridge to our child instead of laying another brick in the wall of stubbornness. For example, the need of a child crying for chocolate in the market may not just be that candy. Perhaps they felt they couldn't connect with you enough throughout the day and found this way to initiate an interaction and get your attention. From this perspective, instead of shouting, "I've told you no a hundred times!" getting down to their eye level and saying, "I understand that you want something right now and you're upset that you can't have it. How about we play a game together when we get home?" is a response to their need, and this response calms the child who feels understood.

This approach does not mean not setting boundaries or doing everything the child wants. On the contrary, it is about showing that you understand their feelings and needs while maintaining the boundaries. Boundaries are necessary and make the child feel safe. However, it is crucial to present boundaries as a compassionate and understandable frame rather than building them like rigid walls. Validating the feeling that causes the resistance, instead of trying to break the child's resistance, strengthens the bond of trust between the parent and child. The sentence, "You are very angry right now because you don't want to stop playing, I understand. But it's our bedtime. Come, let's read your favorite book," both states the boundary (bedtime) and validates the child's feeling (anger, desire to continue playing). When a child feels their emotion is understood, even if their wish is not granted, they become more open to cooperation.

One of the most important questions we need to ask ourselves in this process is: "Is this a battle I need to win, or is it an opportunity to connect with my child?" Often, our own fatigue, stress, and fear of losing control cause us to turn these moments into a personal struggle. However, when we take a step back and a deep breath, we realize that the person in front of us is not an opponent trying to defeat us, but just a small human being trying to be understood and feel safe. You can share your thoughts with us via our email address cguhasiptekin@gmail.com. Seeing these moments as opportunities for learning and bonding makes the parenting journey more peaceful and meaningful. Remember, when you understand that your child is not fighting against you, but against a feeling or need they cannot cope with inside, you become their strongest ally.

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Note to Parents: Try to jot down the moments your child is most stubborn and the possible underlying needs. This small exercise will help you see your child's behavioral patterns more clearly over time.