Parenthood is instinctively filled with the desire to protect our children, solve their problems, and light up their paths. When our child comes home from school upset, tells us about an argument with a friend, or struggles with an assignment, we immediately put on our "superhero" cape. "You should have done this," "I think you should tell your teacher," "Don't worry, I'll fix it right away." These sentences are the most concrete reflections of our love and protective instincts. However, these well-intentioned steps can, without us realizing it, weaken the most valuable bridge between us and our child: the bridge of empathy. Because the first and most fundamental step of empathy is not to try to find a solution, but simply to listen.

Let's put ourselves in our child's shoes for a moment. We are experiencing an intense emotion (disappointment, anger, sadness), and all we need is to tell someone about this feeling and be understood. But the person in front of us starts offering solutions before even fully listening to our feelings. How would we feel in this situation? We would probably think our feeling is insignificant and that we are inadequate. We might start hearing inner voices like, "I guess I shouldn't be feeling this way," or "I'm too incompetent to solve this on my own." This is precisely the message we unintentionally give our child when we immediately offer a solution. Instead of honoring their feeling, we see it as a "problem" that needs to be gotten rid of as soon as possible. This is trying to "fix" them, rather than understanding them.

True listening is an art. It's about focusing actively and non-judgmentally not just on what the other person is saying, but on the emotions behind the words. When your child comes to you with a problem, put down your phone, make eye contact, and turn your whole body towards them. Let them be the hero of the story they are telling. Wait for them to finish their sentence. Instead of immediately giving advice, use mirroring statements that reflect their feelings, such as, "That must have been very challenging for you," or "It really hurt you when your friend said that." These magical sentences send your child this message: "I see your feeling, your feeling is valid, and you are not alone with this feeling." This message is more valuable than even the most expensive solution you could offer. Because this gives them the power to manage their emotions and find their own solutions. A child whose feelings are understood and accepted calms down and regains the ability to think logically.

Remember, as parents, our job is not always to solve their problems. Our main job is to be a safe harbor for them while they solve their own problems. This harbor is nourished by the waves of understanding and acceptance, not by advice and solutions. The next time your child comes to you with a problem, ask yourself: "Does he need a solution right now, or just to be understood?" The answer, most of the time, is the latter. If you want to strengthen your communication bridges, use silence and listening first, not mortar. You can share your thoughts with us via our email address: cguhasiptekin@gmail.com

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A Special Note for Parents: Being solution-oriented is not a bad thing, but timing is everything. First, establish the emotional connection. Once the child feels understood, they will consult you for a solution anyway. That's when your advice becomes a gift, not a command.